wow i warn you now this is gona be long i have so much to say need to get it all of my chest.
firstly im really happy after holiday i really thought i had put on about 7lbs.. i hoped it would be about 5 btu i thort it would be 7.. i ate and drank so much but i reli enjoyed it and always told myself i was giving myself my holiday off! anyway got back and had put on 3lbs! was soooooooooo chuffed :) plus i got back in sunday , weigh in friday so by friday i managed to loose 1.5lbs and then this week i lost the other 1.5lbs so im back now as 13 13 again YAY :)
on the sad side im reli low at the moment i cant stop crying and i cant seem to get motivated to do anything. Its like ive totally and utterlt lost the way.. i started this blog at the beginning of the year full of hope and inspiration and i was LOVING it.. i was loving me i was loving life. Everything was so good. i enjoyed my job my freinds i was gettin much more attention then i was ever used to, I then met someone and it totally messed my head up ive become this irrational, stressed out NAG that just worries all the time. i dont think about mysef anymore all i think about is him. i no im doing it i just cant seem to find the way out. Anyway just before my holiday we had an arguement and he decided he was going to ignore me .. completely ignore me. he ignored me for 5 days befor eholiday i have never ever been so upset in my entire life. WHY becus i am falling in love with him and ive been trying to deny it to myself becus i no he doesnt feel the same yet and i didnt want to be the only one. You see the thing is, i have never had a proper boyfriend so to speak. ive always been to fat for that. well that was my excuse lol theyve always sed to me oh i see u as a best freind or worse they always go for one of my best freinds. i just kind of got used to it.
now with me loosing weight ive got this confidence well had this confidence , i met him and i just didnt belive he liked me i got all paranoid about it and insecure and i kept askin u do like me dont u etc etc, and i have no idea why i knew he did...does?
so yesterday i went out he was out. we spoke but ive totally messed it up. ive blown anything that mite have been becus i didnt shut up becus i was drunk i just went on and on and on and on.. he was like stop saying the same thing but i didnt i carrid on and on and now i swear to god i have blown it. i dont no wot to do ive cried all day literally ALL day. i cant take the hurt of all this but i want him i dont want anyone else. iev tried to go on another date and i cant becus its him i want and i no he wants me but its like ive pushed him away becus i like him moe than he likes me. i dont no wher to go from here. wat doesnt help is i hate my job now too i just sit there doing nothing its rubbish and therefor all i do is think.
i feel like its mental torture i can decide wot to do for the best, i no i want him but i cant speak to him. if i ring he wont answer becus hes at work. if i leave it and say nothing then im back to waiting around and thats wot kills me. if i tex then i dont think he will texback ...
o my god i just dont no wot to do i sound like a ryt child in the blog post im sorry i honeslty dont no wot to do. i cant concentrate on anything the gym, wwatchers its totally messed me up.
please help me. xxx